Sweet Nothing

I cannot claim to see storms. But I’ve been taking slow poisons. I was the girl who would be in the gallows for an extra minute or two just to see how strong I was to withstand the pain. I was the girl who would laugh at funerals, I was too naive to see the dark side of pain, I always wanted to be friends with pain, and pain did not accept me. It was too scared to let me near itself as I did not know what sin tasted like. I saw good in everything, like my name, I used to think I could ignite anyone’s world, some part of me still does.

I hide myself behind curtains of my ego and achievements, how I am always under control and doing well in life. Only glass I broke that night and woke over it knows the real me. My mind is in a constant battle to lose my sanity and being the best. I have been telling myself that I need nobody so many times that I somehow believe in it, I have never let a single soul embraced my soul completely, not even my ex lover, maybe that’s why I still feel things. I feel undiscovered. I don’t want to be. Because humans, they don’t stick to you.


The Ghost

The clock ticks away and a reflection is seen in the shadows of a silver mirror glittering with the cold blue rays of the moon in the death deep of the night. Its amber shadow behind cascades over the cracked wall depicting a deep over hunted flesh. As the whitewash flakes away, the shadow scratches away in infuriating and screaming voice. A gust of wind blows, trying to bandage the excruciating inferno. “I told you about  the holocaust, why thee came in a world so graceless?”, The grave breaks the smothering silence. The ghost whispers, “If I had a chance to be alive again, I’d choose my life to be taken away a million times for never had I pleasured a more solacing spasm.” It started raining and needled cold drops began pricking the soft leaves of the oak tree in the abandoned meadow of forgone light. There was no reflection in the mirror as the moon had hidden behind the dusty clouds, nor was there any shadow left. But the cracked paint crippled and flaked down with the moist of the rain mustered in the putrescent walls. It helped the ghost borrow some tears from the wall to cry for it had no matter in it left. Nothing is saddening but the pain of not having to die again. For not having a chance to kill your damaged self and reincarnate yourself.  Ghosts don’t cry over living once, they mourn over the agony of getting to die once. Die a thousand times and come out alive by thousand-and-one, until you become one of them.

Her Love Was (not) True

I see her tears as drops of water trickling down a cup of a pale shade. I see her hands tied up with grief like they are chained with expectations of the impossible. She wasn’t hard to love, all she wanted was a rope of empathy. I couldn’t see what hell she went through just to be mine. I couldn’t see the thirst she had of making me happy. I couldn’t see how persistently she coped up with my flaws, my anger, my inconsistency, my vulnerability to get stray. I couldn’t tell her I am not ready to catch her when she falls. I was driven by society. I didn’t make her my friend because she was just an element of  a relation for me. I didn’t regret at my weaknesses because I was complacent. She expected me to go out of the flow but I was happier in following the threads of society. Once for a moment I did not think about her strength. I stretched her like a rubber band expecting it to go as further as I wanted to take it, and she stretched limitlessly. I stretched  whispering her not to worry, you have to go as far as you can. You are made for me. But I can’t do anything about myself, nor I can regret at my flaws. Because it’s me. Its the society. Its the pleasure. Its the way. I cannot swallow the bitter tablet of loving you. I cannot go out of the way because I deserve the ease and you must swallow it only as you have to.


I’ll love you from a distance. I don’t want pleasure from you. I’ll let you consume me, fill myself up with all the fume you give me and perish to nothing. With every lie, with every secret, I’ll let you win. I became addicted as soon my lips met yours, I’d burn myself as you glow with full guard of youth coated with fallacy. Your fair recrimination and pretty accusation give me the true pleasure of pain. I’ll love getting wasted like the ashes;  the smoke filling your soul with my intense love. A love so intense that would cease all your pain and give you an ecstasy of a lifetime.

Earning Love

  • My eyes are stained with my own tears and my skin is bruised with my own nails. The fire in me has scarred my waters and the waters in me have extinguished my spark.
  •   “Why I must be feeling weak and strong at the same time.”
  •   “To love true, you must be blind in one eye.”
  •  “What will I see with the other eye?”
  •  “Your beloved”

And that’s how I realized I have to earn true love.

“Water the dead plant…”

You’re within my heart, every inch of my skin knows you, my lips have felt every ridge of your fingertips and my eyes have gazed into your whisky-toned galaxy of a hypnotizing universe. You melt me like a magma that beautifully eats up the sparkle of fresh snow. There’s always a trance on me. And I’m never in control when my mind wanders into your silk lips that pour droplets of molasses on my lips and I come to life. My ribs are crumbling into dust under the power of your magic and I cannot breathe anymore. You give me life.
A sharp pain hits to the core of my spine and I feel the urge to scream. What I realize, those were the creases of my bedsheets that woke me up from the haze. The scorching sun burns my eyes and there’s an acid in the air being sprayed in my eyes. No. Tell me it was real. Where do I put the cracked glass? I selfishly hold on to this like it will always be the way it is.
“Hold my hand and water the dead plant”
Why don’t you see it’s dead? Why don’t you?

Things I Learnt The Hard Way:

1. Distance yourself from people emotionally- and by that you mean you shouldn’t expose all of yourself to them. Don’t show them your cracked corners and don’t let them see what parts you lack and what things you’re vulnerable to.
2. Don’t fake it- be strong but don’t fake it. You don’t have to burn yourself to show you’re strong. You don’t have to show you are a good pleaser to them. You don’t have to show you care just because you want them to know you’ll always be there. Embrace your real personality.
3. Learn to say NO- practice this as much as you can. You are not here to stay out of the comfort for other people when they aren’t practically showing you the same action. Stop crossing puddles.
4. Help when needed and deserved- you shouldn’t grow selfish but there must be a meter in your heart that lets you know when you are misbalancing your attributes to humanity. Be aware when and how much help is needed. Be aware of your capabilities and your personal life. Compromise on yourself only when necessary.
5. Have a check on yourself- the words you say and emotions you feel must pass through a filter before they get expressed to people. There must be a semi-permeable membrane and that is logical thinking. Keep this in mind that you have the space between the stimulus and the action. You just have to reevaluate the output.
6. Spread optimism- you should always look for the bright side even in the darkest of circumstances. Don’t let bad things eat you up. Just put them away and focus on your present.
7. Spend some time alone- this is the key to improve your personality instantly. Read a book, write a journal, listen to music, think about your life, think about where you stand now and where do you want to stand later, then think of devising ways to achieve goals. Or just simply let out your toxicity in thinking, crying, writing and whatsoever helps you.
8. Accept bitter truths with peace- there will always be some dark sides to life which we cannot deny neither we can change them. You just have to accept them as they are and make peace with the chaos. Be emotionally strong. For instance, you have to accept this that there is no one in the world who would try to do something extraordinary to help you in any way, not even in the hour of need. You have to accept this as a law but don’t fade yourself because of it. Don’t become rest of them. You should do something with the idea of improving your personality and not with the idea of showing people. People don’t mean anything when they don’t show you mean nothing special to them. So don’t take their actions/words to heart.
On a special note:
You’re enough to light up the galaxies because your Creator created you, the Most Beautiful, the Most Merciful. If you have to feel depressed and helpless about yourself then you should first oppose all the statements and beliefs that your Almighty Creator exists. When He is with you, nothing worldly can defeat you in any way. Trust yourself, trust God.