I’ll love you from a distance. I don’t want pleasure from you. I’ll let you consume me, fill myself up with all the fume you give me and perish to nothing. With every lie, with every secret, I’ll let you win. I became addicted as soon my lips met yours, I’d burn myself as you glow with full guard of youth coated with fallacy. Your fair recrimination and pretty accusation give me the true pleasure of pain. I’ll love getting wasted like the ashes; the smoke filling your soul with my intense love. A love so intense that would cease all your pain and give you an ecstasy of a lifetime.
Roses spread in deep bed of thorns
Of shimmering light in full galore.
Honey drops and apple crisps;
All their sweetness was failing to win.
Sounds of glee and rhapsody fall into demise;
When all my memories of the distant align.
The cheers, the smiles, the heart you won;
The tears, the hurt, the grief you become.
The sanctuary, the blessing I thought I had to be alive;
A mayhem, a dismay it was in disguise.
You left this World in a blink of an eye;
Without giving me a chance to say Goodbye.
“A beautiful baby he is, congratulations on a new addition to your family!”, said a jocular looking, fat lady nurse of 46 to my mother. And life started for me when I was cut off from the band of support and nurture of my mother’s body while everyone in the ward room 492 could hear me crying. I was welcomed with warm bath of rose water with essential oils of all kinds: Coconut, shea butter, argan, lavender and what not? With sheets of pure wool and cotton stitched to perfection and mittens made of sheer warm affection of Grandma. I was, undoubtedly, got played like a melodious song that showers nothing but high hopes, happiness and prosperity for all; Nothing but the whitest shade of ivory; The kerosene for the oil lamp. After weeks and weeks of peak celebrations accompanied by dancing and singing and colours, all people bid farewell and left with cordial messages for me about how excited they were to see me grown into a young sparking man with magic in his eyes and the power to unlock all the hidden secrets the world has – just as they’d put a sapling in mud pot, water it and then wait for the progress.
And then, one night I was put in a customized cradle to sleep, on the onset I could hear the soothing voice of my mother singing lullabies for me. I could hear the occasional sound of the mosquito buzz swinging between my two ears and the slow rhythmic oscillation of a ceiling fan. Eventually everything seems to get faint and vague just like mist on a window. I got half hypnotized and my eyes gradually demurred, diving into a world of darkness so invincible an intense beam of laser wouldn’t trespass it.
A night passed, nothing happened. I began worrying amidst the wickedness of the black fathom. I begin reminiscing the bright days of my welcome, when everything was nothing but sunny, a punch of all flavour some fruits. My mother could see me smiling in my sleep now and she must had thought of the pretty fairies who would be dancing and making merry in my dreams. A whole episode of sweet nostalgia passed but I couldn’t break the morse code of the Dark Queen playing with me.
Another day passed and I began to feel the mountain of burden and pressure I came to this world with. I thought of how high expectations would be built up with me soon as I grow up: New skills, A grades, a shield in sports, successful engineer, caring son, responsible father and a loving husband with tons of cash and an insurance for the whole family with a funny nature and an empathic mind. Future thoughts enveloped me like a tornado and left my mind with nothing but a barren land of weeds.
Two days passed with a pattern of series able to be juxtaposed against each other. Solemn, downright, and thorough anxiety and depression. Though seeming to be too exaggerated for a baby boy but human beings are emotionally all mutual. Now my mother could see me making horrid faces with signals of crying and sudden unrest in my body, scratching and limb articulating. She lifted me up in no time, swung me slightly in her arms but I was far gone in a mind perplexing maze. One night I felt panic and the other, distress. All I was focused on were the bad things that were and could happen to me in that demonic state of soot all around my eyes.
The fifth day was the giving up time. I was on low self love and didn’t think I’d be able to combat with the obstacles of life; and why not would I be hopeless? I wasn’t even able to search for a single photon of light for five nights. My mother could see me turn pale and cold. Sweat drops appearing on my forehead and little palms just like dew on rose. My mother started worrying and started calling for help, kissed my head, sprinkled water on me and sobbed.
It was all happening that the sixth night came and all of a sudden I was totally normal _ more numb than normal to be accurate. This was the hardest point, for my mother couldn’t see any visible signs of disruption but I was dead inside. My heart cracked and cracked till I stopped breathing waiting for another day to quit from this carnival of illusions. When the sun set the next day I thought it was my last. All I could hear and see was painful screaming of silence and burning rays of blackness. I was ready for the end.
I was seconds away from getting away from all this mayhem that a piercing wave of scorching light cut straight through my eyes burning them and entering into my heart. I couldn’t recognize the exact feeling but it saved me through the eye of the needle. It was brighter than light, for light couldn’t be this bright and I couldn’t find any source of it. I came to remember the gift God gave me before coming to this world. This light and that gift held a peculiar similarity, a similarity quite impossible to demarcate.
With the light I finally opened my eyes, only to the dumb realization that it was a single night and I had been traveling through the phases of losing faith and finding it back again. Yes I’m going to get lost and get beaten by life and by my own mind as well but this gift will make me through it. With this, I start a new day, waking myself to see me holding the index finger of my mother tightly clenched into my fist
- My eyes are stained with my own tears and my skin is bruised with my own nails. The fire in me has scarred my waters and the waters in me have extinguished my spark.
- “Why I must be feeling weak and strong at the same time.”
- “To love true, you must be blind in one eye.”
- “What will I see with the other eye?”
- “Your beloved”
And that’s how I realized I have to earn true love.
You’re within my heart, every inch of my skin knows you, my lips have felt every ridge of your fingertips and my eyes have gazed into your whisky-toned galaxy of a hypnotizing universe. You melt me like a magma that beautifully eats up the sparkle of fresh snow. There’s always a trance on me. And I’m never in control when my mind wanders into your silk lips that pour droplets of molasses on my lips and I come to life. My ribs are crumbling into dust under the power of your magic and I cannot breathe anymore. You give me life.
A sharp pain hits to the core of my spine and I feel the urge to scream. What I realize, those were the creases of my bedsheets that woke me up from the haze. The scorching sun burns my eyes and there’s an acid in the air being sprayed in my eyes. No. Tell me it was real. Where do I put the cracked glass? I selfishly hold on to this like it will always be the way it is.
“Hold my hand and water the dead plant”
Why don’t you see it’s dead? Why don’t you?
1. Distance yourself from people emotionally- and by that you mean you shouldn’t expose all of yourself to them. Don’t show them your cracked corners and don’t let them see what parts you lack and what things you’re vulnerable to.
2. Don’t fake it- be strong but don’t fake it. You don’t have to burn yourself to show you’re strong. You don’t have to show you are a good pleaser to them. You don’t have to show you care just because you want them to know you’ll always be there. Embrace your real personality.
3. Learn to say NO- practice this as much as you can. You are not here to stay out of the comfort for other people when they aren’t practically showing you the same action. Stop crossing puddles.
4. Help when needed and deserved- you shouldn’t grow selfish but there must be a meter in your heart that lets you know when you are misbalancing your attributes to humanity. Be aware when and how much help is needed. Be aware of your capabilities and your personal life. Compromise on yourself only when necessary.
5. Have a check on yourself- the words you say and emotions you feel must pass through a filter before they get expressed to people. There must be a semi-permeable membrane and that is logical thinking. Keep this in mind that you have the space between the stimulus and the action. You just have to reevaluate the output.
6. Spread optimism- you should always look for the bright side even in the darkest of circumstances. Don’t let bad things eat you up. Just put them away and focus on your present.
7. Spend some time alone- this is the key to improve your personality instantly. Read a book, write a journal, listen to music, think about your life, think about where you stand now and where do you want to stand later, then think of devising ways to achieve goals. Or just simply let out your toxicity in thinking, crying, writing and whatsoever helps you.
8. Accept bitter truths with peace- there will always be some dark sides to life which we cannot deny neither we can change them. You just have to accept them as they are and make peace with the chaos. Be emotionally strong. For instance, you have to accept this that there is no one in the world who would try to do something extraordinary to help you in any way, not even in the hour of need. You have to accept this as a law but don’t fade yourself because of it. Don’t become rest of them. You should do something with the idea of improving your personality and not with the idea of showing people. People don’t mean anything when they don’t show you mean nothing special to them. So don’t take their actions/words to heart.
On a special note:
You’re enough to light up the galaxies because your Creator created you, the Most Beautiful, the Most Merciful. If you have to feel depressed and helpless about yourself then you should first oppose all the statements and beliefs that your Almighty Creator exists. When He is with you, nothing worldly can defeat you in any way. Trust yourself, trust God.
Its crazy how you put yourself in states which can destroy you mentally, physically and emotionally. Your instinct keeps telling you that you’re about to crash down if that one thing lets you down, yet you hang on to the thorns of a pretty looking flower thinking it will bloom eternally for you even though you know its not immortal. You love something so much that you want to vanish yourself for it, you will die for it even knowing how venomous that can be for you. You get cracks in your heart and do things not even your mind knows. No matter how sinful you think you are you have a heart of an innocent child when you love with such intensity. Your inner child hopes that the more purity and love you put in the more bigger will be your reward and that thing has to be your best possession for life. And if that doesn’t happen, you become a living dead. People say you heal but that isn’t true. You just learn to abuse that inner innocent child by cutting off its wings. You pack you bags with goods of patience and numbness and travel to a world far from yourself. If that ever happens, don’t kill your innocence and purity. Don’t numb it. Feel it to the fullest and transfer your energy into bigger things. Yes maybe you don’t get to live for yourself sometimes. But what is life if wasted in grieving over a thing you lost? How can you lost it when it was never yours?